Not Afraid to Dream
by Thatzly
Summary: 'Let's play a game, Kaoru.' In one last show of love, Hikaru teaches his brother that nothing can separate the close bond between them with a new game. A treasure hunt that Kaoru would learn to both love and hate.
1. Chapter 1

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**Disclaimer: I do not own OHSHC it belongs to Bisco Hatori**

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I'm scared.

It's been one month. _One month,_ and I'm already forgetting him. Him, my brother, _my twin_. It gets harder everyday and no matter how hard I try, I can't stop it.

Sometimes, I sit alone and close my eyes. I try to remember the melodic sound of his voice and how whenever he smiled it was enough to make me smile too, even when all I wanted to do was cry. But, now everything about him seems so far away. I wonder if the memories I'm thinking are real or if they're just a creation from my own imagination.

Is this what happens when someone you love dies? Do they eventually just fade away until everything about them is just one huge blur? How do you stop something like this? God, please someone tell me how to reverse this.

I'm scared.

I don't want to forget him!

My numb fingers wrap around the doorknob to our..._my_ room. I haven't been in there since that day. And now...

With a shaky breath I open the door.

Everything is exactly how we left it. Untouched, even by the maids.

With a grim face I take my first painstakingly slow steps into the room. The bed is unmade, books are strewn haphazardly on the floor, and Hikaru is nowhere to be found.

Finally the tears fall.

It should have been me. We were twins, exactly the same, so, why? Why was Hikaru the unlucky one?

My legs buckle and I collapse. Somehow, through the haze of unrealism I'd made it onto our bed. Tears blind my vision and I _swear_ I can feel him next to me. Maybe he was crying too. He should be, it's his fault I'm such a mess.

I pull his pillow close and crush it to me, hoping that if I pretend long enough the pillow will transform into the warm body of my brother. Then, everything would be okay again. But nothing happens and the reality of it all hurts worse than any physical pain I've ever felt.

* * *

"_Come on, Kaoru!" _

_A boy around five or six turned mid-run to smile back at the identical face of his younger brother. Said boy had now twisted his face in a grimace and closed his eyes in what seemed like concentration. But it didn't look like that was helping any. He'd only managed to make himself look stupid and unable to see. _

"_If you lose you have to tell mommy you want to try on one of her dresses!" _

_It was only then that Kaoru decided to open his eyes and finally speak up for himself. "But that's not fair, Hikaru! You started early! You cheat-"_

_That last of his sentence was cut off by a loud thump that was then followed by a yelp of pain. _

_The older boy froze and ran back to kneel next to his fallen brother. His knee was bleeding but it wasn't that bad, only a small cut. From the way Kaoru was crying though it seemed like it must've hurt much more than it looked. But then again, Kaoru was always the more sensitive of the twins._

_Hikaru held out a small hand to his younger brother but Kaoru didn't even look up. He was only concentrating on nursing his now burning knee. _

"_Kaoru..." Tear-filled eyes looked up at him and he held out his hand once more. This time the offer was taken. _

_He pulled his brother onto his feet, lightly dusted him off, and then gave him a bright grin as if the smile alone would take away the pain in his brother's leg. And for a second it might have, if Kaoru hadn't been reminded of it the next time he tried to walk._

"_Don't cry, Kao-chan. It's not that bad see." _

"_I-It h-hurts..." _

"_Here." Hikaru said hoisting the younger onto his back. "If you don't walk on it it doesn't hurt as much, right? So don't cry anymore, okay."_

_Kaoru nodded and lifted a hand to dry his moist eyes. _

"_I-I...lost. Does that mean I still have to wear a dress?" _

_Hikaru cast a glance upwards, bringing a finger to his lips in thought momentarily before shifting his eyes over to the garden they had agreed would be the finish line. _

"_If we both get there together no one loses, right?"_

_Kaoru nodded, confusion clouding his eyes. "But we can't both win..."_

_Hikaru's cheeks puffed out slightly. _

"_I-I can change the rules if I want!" He stuttered, obviously flustered by his brother's keen observation. "Or do you want to wear that dress?"_

_Kaoru leaned his head against his brother's shoulder and shook his head no. But then raised it again quickly when he realized Hikaru's grip was slipping and they seemed to be sinking with every new step they took._

"_You're gonna drop me..."_

"_No, I'm not." Hikaru's grip tightened and his back straightened slightly. "Don't worry, Kao-chan! I'm not gonna let you get hurt ever again!"

* * *

_

It's been ten years, and that was one of the first promises Hikaru ever made to me. But, how many more, like that one, are going to be broken in the future?

"K-Kaoru-sama?" I don't move. "Kaoru-sama, are you alright?"

Raising my head only slightly, I turn to address the maid. But before I can speak an object to the right catches my eye.

A small black tape.

And in Hikaru's own messy handwriting was my name written along the side.

With newfound energy I'm up in seconds, tape in hand and hurriedly looking for our old Walkman.

"Kaoru-sama, should..I call for someone?" The maid asks.

"Leave." The order was harsh, but nowadays caring about how others felt was the _very_ last thing on my mind. She leaves and holding my breath I plug the headphones in and wait.

"_Let's play a game, Kaoru."_

"_It won't be too hard. But, if you get stuck I won't be able to help you like I usually do." _The voice pauses,_ "The rules are simple. I've hidden four more tapes just like this and _your_ job is to find them! Each one will have a message for you and a clue to where the next one is. Don't give up! The first clue is: Snow."_

_

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**Thanks for reading! If you have time please review and let me know what you think or if you see anything odd. The next chapter will be up as soon as I can get time to work on it. School may get in the way, but I promise it'll get up sometime soon.**_  
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	2. Chapter 2

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Disclaimer: I do not own OHSHC it belongs to Bisco Hatori

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Hikaru wanted to play a game?

A game?

How do you play a game with someone buried six feet under the ground?

But this was just like Hikaru. Instead of living on the edge he dangled off it, probably swinging his feet and laughing at the ones who over time had fallen as he did so. The best part about him though was that he always could sense when he needed to come off the edge, and help the friends that had yet to learn how to live life without caring. Or in the special case of Tamaki, how to care at least a little so that you don't fall off the edge and become one of the ones he's laughing at. Although, it was pretty fun to laugh at that idiot.

Okay, so Hikaru probably didn't try to influence Tamaki as much as he did Haruhi and himself.

But now, he was gone and their lessons were incomplete.

I twirled the tape absentmindedly between my fingers. For the longest time I couldn't tear my eyes away. Over and over the tape spun, never once leaving my grip or my eyesight. No, if it did it would vanish and then I'd be left with nothing, again. This is my only thread of hope.

Hope, that maybe I won't forget him after all.

* * *

Snow._ Snow. _SNOW.

No matter how many different ways I write it nothing comes to mind. What did he mean? Was it close or was it far? Why was Hikaru so sure that I would be able to find this tape with only a one word clue? This was close to impossible.

There were so many questions and none of them could be answered. Not with a vague message such as: Snow.

"Kaoru?" My head snapped up. Automatically my hand shoots to my pocket and traces the outline of the tape. It's still there.

Standing over my desk is Haruhi. Her eyes are watchful and her expression holds one much similar to one a mother would give her child after falling, full of concern and ready to pick them back up onto their feet in less than a second if they needed it.

"Are you going to lunch today?"

"No."

This answer created a frown on her pretty face. "When was the last time you ate?"

"Last night." I replied nonchalantly, still clutching the tape. But eating didn't necessarily mean it stayed in my stomach long enough to be of any real help to my body.

Her frown deepened, but she didn't seem to want to pursue the subject anymore. Her gaze dropped to my paper. She leaned forward. "You didn't take any notes. Do you want to copy mine?"

"It's fine, Haruhi. I'll study on my own tonight." I plastered a fake smile on my face hoping that would tide her over enough to leave me alone. But, that was just wishful thinking. She stayed rooted to her spot, in fact she pulled a seat out to sit down. A silent signal to me that she didn't believe me and that she wasn't going anywhere anytime soon.

I used to admire that observant nature of hers, but now it is just another quality that makes my blood come to a boil. The same went for Tono's "heartfelt speeches" and Hani's breathtaking cuteness.

If they could supposedly see though me then why could they not understand I just wanted to be left alone?

"We're all worried about you, Kaoru." My eyes look up to meet Haruhi's. They had transformed from disbelieving to soft.

My shoulder's tense, but still I never let the smile fall from my face. "I'm fine, Haruhi. There's no reason for all of you to worry about me." My hand slips into my pocket and I grip the tape. "Hikaru is...gone, but I'm fine. That's what Hikaru would have wanted."

My eyes fall to the side but I take note of the watery state Haruhi's eyes had taken on at the mention of Hikaru's name. It's only been a month. I'm not the only one who is still hurting. I'm thankful though that her tears don't fall. If they had, I don't think I would have been able to keep up this act.

"You're right. He would have wanted that. But, are you really okay, Kaoru?" This time I don't look up. I can hear the waver in her voice. She's crying. "You're fine when you act for the girls at club. And you're fine when you act for everyone during school, but when you go home and the act finally comes to a close. You're not really okay, are you?"

There's an eerie silence lingering between us after her words.

No one speaks, no one moves.

A hand closes around my unoccupied one and I'm forced to look up into her tearful eyes.

I bite my lip, turn away, and break.

For the first time since the news of Hikaru's passing, I sob like a baby in front of her. I don't care that the bell has rung. I don't care that now students who have returned to class are now staring openly at me.

It hurts.

Her arms wrap around me and I bury my head into her chest to cry.

My body is shaking and my eyes burn, but still over my blubbering I still manage to gurgle out the words I wanted her and everyone else to believe so badly. "I'm okay. Please, believe me. I'm okay. I'm okay." I chant those words mindlessly over and over again.

Neither of us believed that those words were actually true.

* * *

Lately Kyouya has been turning a blind eye to my late appearances to the Host Club, probably because he's hoping I don't show up. It's hard to sell brotherly love with only one brother. Still, the girls come flocking over to me, begging me to talk to them about anything at all.

Once, I took them up on that offer and began a long speech about how it feels to go commando. The startled looks on their faces was priceless. Hikaru would have been proud. Kyouya however was not happy and the day was ended with him banning me from the club for a week.

"There's a dance coming up this weekend, Kaoru-kun. Are you coming?" A voice asked. I turn and give my customer an apologetic smile.

"I'm sorry. I already have plans that night." That wasn't completely a lie. I planned on visiting Hikaru the night of the dance. "I'm sure you'll have fun without me."

"But, Hikaru-kun how will we have fun without you?"

The girls notice their friend's mistake and in an instant they jump to correct it.

"I'm so sorry, Kaoru-kun!"

"She didn't mean to upset you! Please don't be sad."

Sad? No.

Angry? Very.

Even when one of us was dead they couldn't get us right! Was it really that hard? Should I write my name on my forehead so they could see? No, even then they would _still_ mistake the 'K' for an 'H'.

_Maybe no one will be able to tell you two apart._

It wasn't completely true. Haruhi had showed us that but after high school it'll be just like...

Our early childhood.

* * *

"_Do you want to make a snowman?" A girl around five years old asked. The two young twins looked at each other then back to her._

"_Which one?" They spoke in unison._

"_Both of you."

* * *

_

Snow.

_"There's no 'both of you' here."_

Snow. It had been snowing that day.

"_Which is Hikaru?" One boy had said. "And which is Kaoru?" The other finished._

That day...at the elementary school. On the benches. It had been snowing.

"Kaoru-kun! We're sorry, please don't leave!"

It's too late. I'd already grabbed my bag and willed my legs to carry me towards the elementary school district of Ouran. Shocked and confused faces stare after me, the whirlwind that pushed and shoved people into walls if they dared to step into my way.

_It has to be there. I know it is. Please be there._

I stand in front of the bench and stare. At first, I'm not sure what to do. I'm here, but there's nothing there.

I check behind it. Still nothing.

I bend down and look underneath it. I'm greeted with the dull shine of masking tape.

With a smile the tape is ripped from its hiding place and hurriedly nestled into my awaiting hands. Dumping my Walkman from my bag, I slip the tape in and listen.

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**There it is. The long awaited chapter~ Hopefully it was up to par and not a disappointment. I'll probably have the next chapter up either by the end of this week or next week. It's prom week! Yay~**

**Anyway, as usual drop a review by with your comments or questions. You won't be getting to know what's on the next tape until next chapter though. Thanks for reading guys and thanks for the reviews.**


	3. Chapter 3

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**Ouran doesn't belong to me. It's Bisco-san's**

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"_Ne, Kaoru."_ Hikaru's voice starts._ "Do you remember much from when we were younger? Back then the adults would get our names wrong so much we actually started to think that they were right and we were wrong."_

I relax back into the bench I had discovered the tape and let my eyes slide shut.

* * *

"_What if we were switched?" A young Hikaru asked poking his twin._

"_Huh?"_

"_At the place we were born." He clarified. He rolled over in the bed to stare at his groggy twin. It was clear that Kaoru had nearly been asleep when he was rudely awoken by a sharp jab to his side. "What if they switched us by mistake."_

_Kaoru sat up and watched on in silence, blinking sleep from his eyes._

"_That would mean I'm Kaoru, and you're Hikaru." Hikaru stated.  
_

"_But you're Hikaru, and I'm Kaoru..." The younger brother slurred, yawning. _

_It was nearly midnight yet still Hikaru pondered on about the subject. _

"_But, how do we know that?"_

_Hikaru sat up in the bed now, waving his small arms around as he became more and more frantic._

"_What if they put our baby beds too close and one of the stupid adults put us in the wrong one! I think I heard mommy say that happens sometimes. Remember?"_

"_I remember..." Kaoru's head lolled slightly to the side. _

"_Kaoru!"_

_He jolted backward, nearly toppling himself over the side of the bed."I'm awake!"_

"_Or maybe..." Hikaru's eyes widened. "Maybe mommy made someone mad and they switched our name tags!"_

_Kaoru could only stare at his brother who had now worked himself up so much he was near tears._

"_Hikaru..."_

"_No. My name's Kaoru." Hikaru corrected quickly._

_The actual Kaoru was now wide awake. "You can't be Kaoru because I'm Kaoru!"_

"_No, you're not Kaoru. You're Hikaru!"_

"_I'm not Hikaru!"_

"_Yes you are!"_

"_No, I'm not!"_

"_Yes, you are!"_

"_That's stupid, Hikaru!"_

_Both boys stared each other down, cheeks red from shouting. Luckily they had both learned to disable the baby monitor before leaving on their usual night exploration of the mansion. Otherwise the maids would have probably come to separate them like last time the two had decided to stay up after bed time._

_Still huffing, Kaoru jumped out of bed and padded over to their desk. There he opened the drawer and fumbled around a bit before turning around. In his hands was a crayon and a piece of paper._

"_We'll make a list." He announced, plopping himself onto the floor. _

_Hikaru tilted his head to the side slightly, confused. "A list?"_

_Kaoru nodded._

_The older twin switched on the light and moved to sit next to his brother._

"_We'll make a list and keep it forever so when they get us mixed up we don't forget that _I'm_ Kaoru and _you're_ Hikaru." In shaky handwriting Kaoru wrote both their names on the top of the paper and drew a line down the middle. _

"_See?" He smiled. "You start, Hikaru."

* * *

_

"_This list is pretty old. I think it needs to be updated." _There was a slight crackle on the other end and then Hikaru spoke again. "_Go down the list with me, Kaoru. It'll be fun. Besides, it's not that long. You fell asleep halfway through."_

I chuckled softly, tears prickling my eyes._ "_Okay._"_

And suddenly it's not a tape I'm listening to. It's as if Hikaru is there beside me on the bench. I can imagine him speaking to me, smiling at me. It is the most peace I have felt in a long time. I am whole again. But, I know if I open my eyes that illusion will be ruined and I will be greeted with an empty, Hikaru-less bench.

"_My favorite color is blue_." Hikaru starts.

"Mine is orange." I reply.

"_Favorite subject? Math._"

"English."

"_Kaoru...I thought this list was supposed to help us, not give us more of a complex._" There's a long pause and more noise can be heard as the paper moved in Hikaru's hands. He finally speaks up again. "_Favorite color? Blue, and blue. Favorite subject? Art, and art. Oh wait. There is a difference here_."

Hikaru's sudden laughter rings in my ears causing my lips to twitch upward into a smile. It's been a while since I have had the pleasure of hearing that sound.

Finally Hikaru calms and begins again. "_At the bottom. Gender? I'm a boy and you're a girl._"

The smile falls from my face.

"_I remember now._" Hikaru starts his voice thoughtful, as if he were reminiscing. "_I made a new question and wrote your answer as 'girl' while you were sleeping._"

"You did what? Hikaru! That was such a low blow. I was sleeping!" I whine aloud like he could actually hear me.

"_You called me stupid..._" Hikaru replied, as if that alone was a good enough reason for giving his brother a sudden sex change.

I should have been mad and I imagine that if he were actually here, beside me, I would have probably stood and left him on the bench alone.

If he were here.

But he's not and instead all I can do is laugh. Laugh, because this was so Hikaru. My brother, immature yet lovable, Hikaru. The one who always had to be right and always had to win no matter what it involved. Even if it meant changing his _identical_ twin brother's sex on a list that they would never look at again for years.

I quiet down, realizing I have missed a good chunk of my conversation with Hikaru.

_"Since you found this clue so easily, Kaoru. I'm going to make the next one harder. This time you have to work for your clue. To get the clue you first have to sing 'My Heart Will Go On' during club hours. Sometime through the song you'll get a signal from one of the hosts. That person has the clue." _

_He's kidding...he has to be..._

_"If you don't do it you don't get the tape, Kaoru. So, start practicing. It'd be a shame if you lost so early on in the game." _Hikaru chuckled._ "I can't wait to see your performance."_

With a click, the tape ends bringing me once more into silence and harsh reality.

"I can't wait to see your performance." I repeat. Those words send a shiver down my spine. I'm still not sure I even want to do this stupid challenge, but Hikaru's innocent words have me on edge.

After a moment, I am able to finally force myself to open my eyes. The moment I do though the illusion falls and the game of pretend is over. Where Hikaru sat, now showed only an empty bench, and the sound of his voice that had just minutes ago floated into my ears was now trapped in the small tape cassette that rest in my hands.

_"I can't wait to see your performance."  
_

My fist tightens around the Walkman in my hand. I pull my legs up onto the bench and hug them close to me, burying my head into the crook of my legs.

Dammit. Now I have to do it.

* * *

"_Every night in my dreams. I see you, I feel you. That is how I know you go on._"

Like a force of nature the next day I burst into the third music room stopping all activity in the process. I can feel everyone's eyes on me. For a moment I pause. I realize how ridiculous this is, but something has sparked inside me at the confused looks on everyone's faces.

It's just like when Hikaru and I would do our acts together.

I begin again, making my voice as passionate as I can. "_Far across the distance, and spaces between us._" Closing my eyes, I spin dramatically, and smile. "_You have come to show you go on._"

I'm vaguely aware of the many sighs and squeals surrounding me during my performance. At one point I swear I even hear Tamaki singing along with me. Unexpected, but this is Tamaki we're talking about.

"_You're here, there's nothing I fear! And I know that my heart will go on!_" I step up onto one of the low hosting tables, belting out the verses. It is then that I realize the real reason I'm in front of my schoolmates making a spectacle of myself.

The tape.

I continue my song, eyes now searching the crowd I managed to draw to myself for the rest of the host club members. They were scattered, but still they were easy to find in the mass of yellow dresses.

Haruhi looks confused.

Tamaki is still singing...but not doing anything out of the ordinary.

Mori looks bored.

Hunny is basically glowing with happiness.

And Kyouya...is staring straight at me.

His hand raises to tweak his ear, then he turns back to typing furiously on his laptop.

"Thank you for listening." I take my bow and step off the table, a broad smile on my face. Behind me I can still hear the choruses of appreciation from the girls.

I have to admit. That was fun, but I would never, ever do it again. Especially if it's going to be a song that Tamaki loves. I briefly wonder if Hikaru meant for that to happen. Maybe he wanted me to have a duet with the idiot King.

I do one last spin, then head towards Kyouya. I feel light as if all the clouds from the previous weeks had momentarily lifted. It's a wonderful feeling and I grasp onto it. It's the only thing right now that's keeping me from falling.

Kyouya sits, back slightly crouched, but not so much as to give himself and undignified air, and his eyes are trained on his computer screen. He doesn't even acknowledge me when I begin to near him. I clear my throat. Nothing, only the clacking of fingers against a keyboard. Again, and this time he looks up briefly.

"You brought in quite a few customers with that stunt." He starts. "Maybe you should make a fool of yourself more often."

My face heats up. "Ah, no. I don't think I'll be doing that again."

No answer. The hum of excited girls talking quietly fills my ears.

"If I had what you wanted I would have given it to you by now." Kyouya says, finally speaking up. His face never lifts from his computer screen.

"He said you had the next clue." I say. Suddenly the clouds have slowly come back, bringing rain along with it.

"I do." Now his eyes have trained on me. "But, this is a business and currently your wages have fallen. It doesn't help that you refuse to come to club events."

A violent pressure builds within me. I can feel it rise with each new word falling from that bastards lips. Hands clench, muscles flex, and soon I know I won't be able to control my actions.

"My brother is dead." I hiss. "And you're only worried about your money?"

"The host club has experienced a terrible loss, and we all are suffering from it. But, still we are a business and we must move on so that-"

_CRASH_

The laptop, long forgotten has fallen to the floor along with whatever else Kyouya held on his desk. But I don't care, my hands bunch in the blue fabric of Kyouya's jacket and I bring my face a mere few inches from his stubborn gaze. Even now he kept a neutral mask on his face. Although, I see his eyes shift to the side. Probably analyazing the damage I'd just done to the Host Club's non-violent reputation with the girls. Their faces are probably frozen in shock.

"Why did he have to give the clue to you?"

"He obviously trusted me." Kyouya responded, raising his hands to grip mine in a tight grip as if prompting me to let go. "You'll get your clue. Only when you come to the dance Saturday night. If you can't accept that, you won't get it at all."

My grip tightens.

"I assume this means you don't want to continue playing your game." He continues.

I let go and much like I entered, I exited the same way.

The door slams shut behind me.

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**This chapter feels like a crack chapter...Anyway, this is unbeta'ed so if you see mistakes let me know. Also I apologize for making Kyouya such a little bitch and for some parts feeling rushed. I feel bad. Maybe I'll make it up later. I'm tired to no long author's note. I was gonna explain the fic title to you so hold me to that promise. If I forget let me know.**


	4. Chapter 4

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I do not own OHSHC**

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I jolt awake, nearly flinging myself out of the king sized bed as I reach for Hikaru. My hands grasp air and it takes minutes before I am calm enough to realize I'm in a warm bed, not on a snow-covered hill. There is no snow, no cold, just me in my sweat soaked pajamas that now cling to my shivering form.

It was like being back there, watching it happen all over again. Hikaru's laughter, his smile, and then suddenly they was gone. In its replacement were mangled skis and an empty nothingness.

I sit up slowly, a hand coming to rest on my head as I try to regain control of my rapid breathing and racing heart. Unwanted tears roll down my cheeks at the horrible memory.

My eyes clench shut, trying to erase the images the nightmare had left behind. But still, I could see the blood and hear the final, ragged breaths of my older brother before he finally succumbed to his injures, the injuries that had been my fault.

I had dared him, I had challenged him to race me down the hardest trail, and being a Hitachiin he couldn't refuse. I should have stopped the bet. I could see the uncertainty that had clouded his determined eyes.

The sheets are peeled from my body as I stand, slithering into the bathroom to splash cold water onto my heated face. I look up, and an unknown boy stares back at me, his tear-stained, tired face mirroring mine. His lips twitch upward and as I lift my hand to toy with my hair, so does he.

"Good morning, Hikaru." I smile, now looking at my twin, his hair parted to the right. And, for a second I'm able to forget that it is just me staring at a mirror image of myself, that that boy in the mirror is not Hikaru.

A familiar, uncomfortable churning begins in my stomach. My smile falls, and I have to tear my eyes away from the mirror.

"Hitachiin-sama, time to wake up." Two knocks on the door cause my head to snap to attention.

"I don't feel well," I shout back as a maid pokes her head through the bedroom door. "I'm not going to school today."

* * *

It isn't until hours later that I'm finally able to leave the house. By now, school had been dismissed and the host club was probably getting along fine without me. Instead, I find myself going to the one place I do not want to be, walking through the many lines of headstones and towards the one I knew all too well.

It's not until I stop in front of it that the weight of this morning and yesterday's events fall upon my shoulders much harder than they had before. It was like I was suffocating, but it wasn't sadness, it was a new feeling. One that I'd never felt this strongly towards my brother before.

"I hate you," I whisper, my words unsure and shaky. I can taste the bitter poison in those three words as they leave my lips.

Never before had I spoken these words to my brother and yet now here I was speaking them over his final resting place. It should have been easier to say than this. He was 'asleep', but it didn't matter whether he was awake or not. Those three words had always been taboo.

My eyes remain focused on Hikaru's headstone, staring down from above at the name. Below it sat a wilted rose, a reminder that other people who were not me had also loved Hikaru. My fists clench into a white-knuckled grip on the new rose I had brought to offer. The thorns dig deep into my hand.

"I hate you." They came out louder this time, with more conviction than the last. Hot tears burn the back of my eyes, but I refuse to cry, not anymore.

"I mean every word, Hikaru. I really do hate you!" My legs fold beneath me, bringing me to kneel on the ground. "I'm tired, I can't eat, and now you're making me deal with the devil himself. What more could you do to me?"

As expected, there's no response.

"I'm sure this is just another joke to you, but I'm not laughing, Hikaru. I…don't want to play anymore, not if it's going to be like this."

"So you're giving up?" a new voice asked.

I spin around, my neck nearly snapping at the speed. Standing there before me was a small blonde, in his hands he held a single flower and a bottle of maple syrup. Beside him a taller man stood, his face impassive.

He noticed me staring at the bottle and raised it, his eyes shining with joy.

"Hika-chan once told me he liked maple syrup. So Takashi and I got him a bottle!" the boy announced.

I chuckle softly. Once more I fall into my act. I stand and survey the bottle. "You even knew our favorite brand!"

"I'm glad!" Hunny smiled. "I was a little worried Usa-chan picked out the wrong brand."

"No, it's right! He'll love it!" I gush.

I falter when I see Hunny's face take on a more mature tone. You can't hide anything from him. It's like he always knew. He had to be one of the wisest members of the host club, besides Mori at least. But, then again we rarely ever heard him speak.

"You're hurt," Mori's voice rumbled.

I look down at my hand with boredom. For some reason the injury didn't bother me, and I found that I couldn't even feel the sting of the thorns pressing into my skin, but still my grip on the flower loosens.

"Oh," I say, looking down at my injured hand in embarrassment.

"Kao-chan, we got the clue for you," Hunny says.

I look up, suddenly interested.

His voice was quieter than normal, the only time I heard it reach this point was when he went into his dark mode. He had such a saddened look on his face though, that I doubted that was the case this time.

"Kyou-chan only wanted you to have fun. He doesn't show it, but I know that's what he wanted, everyone wants it, Kao-chan…"

I remain silent, staring ahead at nothing. Mori shifts, moving into my line of vision, causing me to look up at him.

"Kao-chan…" a small hand reaches for mine, inserting itself inside my larger one. "Please come to the dance tomorrow night."

I pull away, and the blonde boy recoils, moving to clutch onto the bottle of syrup. A larger hand holds something out for me, and after a moment, I take it.

"I hope you feel better soon, Kao-chan. We're all cheering for you to win." Hunny passes by me and kneels down, gingerly placing the bottle of syrup next to Hikaru's stone. Mori nods, and together the two turn and leave.

Finally, I'm able to turn to the note in my hand.

'Kyouya-sempai hates being woken up. The real prize is waiting for you in the horse's mouth.'

I look down at the note in awe. After all this I still didn't have the tape he promised me.

"Cheater," I grumble. "But, I'm not going to give up yet, Hikaru."

With everyone cheering for me, there's no way I was going to let myself give up and lose. Tomorrow that tape would be in my hands and hopefully, Hikaru wouldn't pull anymore tricks.

* * *

_Ah~ I don't really like this chapter. It's short and I couldn't get it out of this depressing mood even if I tried, and I did try hard. That was probably half the reason it was so late. Everytime I looked at it I wanted to delete it. Anyway, I'm honestly sorry about the long wait. It's been months hasn't it? I promise to be a bit more regular in updating before the summer break is over. After that college will probably upset the schedule. _

_On another note~ Hunny and Mori-sempai cheated didn't they? But it was for the better. Actually...everyone's cheating. Poor Kaoru... Anyway, I wonder if you know where the next clue is, even if my clues are vague. Guess in the reviews. I'm curious as to where you think it is. It's pretty obvious though isn't it? Maybe I'll make the next clue really hard and whoever guesses gets a prize or something._


	5. Chapter 5

**In Soviet Russia Ouran owns you!**

* * *

"I don't know what he's talking about! I've already checked everywhere we both know that involves horses. I can't find anything, and I can't go ask Kyouya-sempai after what happened."

I pace the small commoners home Haruhi lives in, my eyes fixed to the floor. They floor boards blurred together in a brown blob as my thoughts deepened.

This searching was beginning to create a painful pang of hopelessness in my chest. Perhaps Hikaru had overestimated my skills. He always was the one who thought that I could see through almost anything. The reality was that we were a team. I would never have been able to figure out people or puzzles if it had not been for him pointing out the obvious aspects I easily overlook.

Haruhi appeared from her tiny kitchen, balancing a tray of tea and a bland set of cups. She eyed the paper in my hand with interest, before setting the tray down and moving to sit, motioning me to do the same.

"Can I see?" She held her hand out, and I happily oblige, glad to get the damned paper away from me. "In the horses mouth?"

"You're not looking at it…" I start slowly, sliding closer to the girl. Her eyes hadn't even scanned the paper for two-seconds before she blurt out the clue. "How did you know what it said?"

"I am looking at it."

"You glanced at it, but that wasn't enough time to actually read it. You already knew what it said."

"Kaoru…"

How would she already know…?

"He told you," I gasp. Suddenly the past events began to click. "I thought it was strange that Hani-sempai knew about the clues too. It was only Kyouya-sempai that should have known. He was the one that was given a clue."

I stand, once more pacing the floor. "That means…Haruhi you know where this clue is. You can help me more than I thought you could."

"I'm not going to tell you where it is," she deadpanned.

Well, that wasn't very nice.

"Why?" I ask, staring at her.

She fidget uncomfortably on the floor, before standing herself, and taking the chilling tea back to the kitchen.

"Haruhi?" I ask.

"We're just insurance," she says, rubbing her arm gingerly as she reemerges. She looked almost guilty saying that, with her head turned away from me. "He told us only so that we could give you clues, not to give you the answer," Haruhi trailed off. "But everyone seems to be forgetting what he made us agree to."

I remembered Hani-sempai then, and how he had pulled strings just to give me the clue Kyouya had refused to give up. I take Haruhi's hand, and gently squeeze it.

"I won't make you tell me where it is," I said softly. It was noble how determined she was to play by the rules my brother had set, but I could understand the other club member's reasoning as well. I probably looked pathetic right now.

"How did you figure out the last clue, Kaoru?"

I turn to Haruhi, and then close my eyes to think.

How?

All of the clues before this one involved times when Hikaru and I were younger. Did that have anything to do with solving them?

I began to slowly recall the last clues. "It was a memory. I remembered about a time it was snowing when we were younger. Then, it was just the matter of getting to the area the memory took place."

"Yes," she pushed, "a specific time, and a place. Each clue is set up like that. In fact, this clue may be one of the easier ones. You just have to think."

"Time and place. Can you tell me anything else?"

"That's my limit for the rest of the game. You would have to ask someone else."

"Who?"

"Anyone but me. You just used your hint."

"I only get one question per host member? I'm surprised Hikaru had enough patience to really think this whole thing through."

Haruhi smiled fondly. Her eyes seemed to brighten as she took in my words. "He never was one to think before acting was he?"

"No, Never." We sat in a comfortable silence before I let out a long sigh and turned for the door, but not before thanking her. "Thanks for the hint. I'm sorry I bothered you so suddenly, I know you have to prepare for the dance tomorrow."

She waved her hand. "No, it's fine. I hope you figure everything out."

With a nod I put my shoes on and move to step outside only to be stopped abruptly in my tracks. "Kaoru!" I spin to look at Haruhi. What else could she possibly want from me? She already gave me my one hint from her, so why was she stopping me? It was then I noticed the slight tremble of her hands, and how she could barely look me in the eye. She had her face turned downward, only glancing up at me occasionally.

"Haruhi?" I prompt. "What's wrong?"

Haruhi took a deep breath before standing tall. Her eyes finally found mine. Apparently she'd overcome whatever inner struggles she was dealing with.

"I really hate cheating, Kaoru," she told me sternly. I stared at her, tilting my head to the side as I tried to understand. Yes, she'd already made that quite clear just a minute ago. "I hate cheating, but I do want to help." Her fists clenched tightly at her sides. "I won't give any hints, but I'm also your friend and I do have opinions. I'm always here to help whether or not I'm involved in...Hikaru's...Hikaru's little game or not. Do you understand?"

I nod and took a few steps closer to her. "Haruhi, I need your advice for something."

She nodded, her face set with a fiery determination. "About what?"

"Hikaru's playing a trick on me right now and I need your help to figure out what he wants. He won't give me any hints and he's being a cheater. It's actually getting really annoying and he's starting to piss me off." Haruhi's determination breaks momentarily, flicking to confusion and then wide-eyed realization before setting her face into an annoyed frown. I take a shuddering breath and wait.

"I don't have time to play games with you two today. Go bother someone else," she huffed. Her voice wavered slightly, but I'm not going to call her out on something that I'm also guilty of.

"Haruhi," I sang. "You're our toy. You have to play with us. Maybe you don't want to play with me because you'd rather hang out with Hikaru instead. I'd get him for you but he's not home right now."

"Don't bother. I'd rather both of you leave me alone. You're both equally annoying," she dead-panned, but then her voice grew soft and she forced my eyes to lock with hers. "But you can stay for a while if he's not home because I know how hard it is for you two when you're by yourselves."

My breath hitches. Haruhi, there's a reason we both fell in love with you.

"So I can stay? Hikaru will be jealous that I got to play with you longer than him," I say slyly. Crossing my arms, I circle her just like Hikaru and I used to and with a smile I poke her cheek only to get swatted away."Aww, that's not nice, Haruhi."

I kind of missed this normality. Now I realize how much I've been pushing everyone away. I'd reverted and nearly gone back into our world, but it was going to be a world alone rather than with Hikaru. So, I need to hold on to them. I don't want to be alone without my twin and without people like Haruhi and Hani-sempai who know how to push the right buttons to get me moving towards my true self again.

"I am not a toy for you to play with! You can stay but go sit somewhere! I have homework and I'm sure you do too." She stormed away, moving to sit at her small commoners coffee table. I watch her pull out a textbook and flip to a chapter that I know we haven't reached yet in class. Her acting is terrible as always, but it still makes my chest bubble with a strange warmth. It's not uncomfortable, but it does make my voice all the more unstable.

"But I don't want him to win," I whine. I flop down next to her to cross my legs and sit in an angry pout. "You're so boring..."

"Studying isn't supposed to be fun and I'm not here to entertain you," she answered back, now pretending to take notes. I lean closer until the side of my body is pressed against hers. Haruhi only looks up at me briefly before going back to work. My hand twitches beside me, and in a swift motion I've yanked her pen from her hand to dangle it above her head.

"I'll give it back if you help," I grin.

She glares at me and puts her hand out as if that would get me to relinquish her captured pen. "Fine, just give it back. I don't want it to be sold again."

"That's right, pens must be expensive for commoners. You wouldn't be able to buy a new one," I joke, gaining a scowl. I drop the item into her hand and rock back to return her personal space. "He gave me a clue about horses and Kyouya-sempai. He's not making any sense."

Haruhi snorts. "What kind of game are you two playing with clues like that."

"Ask him, he's the one who put it together. His riddles are awful. Hikaru's never been good with words," I laugh. Suddenly my chest feels tight with that all too familiar warning I've been getting ever since the accident. Haruhi's head snaps up when she hears my watery sniffling.

"Kaoru..."

"I-I kind of think we're p-playing a form of hide and seek. I haven't caught him yet though, he j-just keeps leaving these annoying things."

"Ah...It'll be worth it in the end, Kaoru. I promise. He's waiting for you to finish so you can find him. You need to finish. For whatever reason this meant a lot to him. He wouldn't have planned this for weeks if it didn't." Her voice grew tight. "He wouldn't have continued running to us to get our opinions on his rules and to ask if he was doing everything right either. Hikaru worked really hard on this. You need to finish."

All of my muscles tense to the point it's almost painful. That...she knows what's at the end? She knows so much more than she originally let on. Slowly I turn my eyes on her, fully on her as my mind tried to wrap around what she'd just told me. I open my mouth, about to break the act when she cuts me off before I can even begin. Her voice had returned to a somewhat normal tone.

"Well...it's Hikaru so you know that even though it seems complicated it's probably simple-minded," I give a small chuckle. She smiles up at me momentarily before continuing. "And like you said earlier it's a time and a place, right?"

I nod. "Breaking the third wall, Haruhi?"

"Just listen, Kaoru." She gives an annoyed sigh and shakes her head at me. "I swear, you two..."

"It's getting a bit painful to keep doing that after what you just said..."

Haruhi made no comment, she only continued, switching to the necessary format to keep my from breaking down. "You also said that for the first tape made you remember a time it was snowing. Do you remember a time when Kyouya didn't like being woken up?"

I blink and then close my eyes. There were plenty of times when he didn't want to be woken up. How was he supposed to pinpoint just one moment?

"Don't forget to add in the horse," she reminded.

A horse and Kyouya becoming a demon spawn. A horse. If the tape is in it's mouth then it can't be real, it'd be eaten. I open my eyes and sit up slowly. He'd also used the word prize. Prize and horse. And, while he had woken up Kyouya a few times on his own, sneaking into his house early in the morning so they could do research, Hikaru was never there to know. The only time he was there was when...

"Haruhi is the carnival back in town?"

Her smile was all I needed.

* * *

_I'm sorry...the POV that I started this in is making this so much harder to write than I intended. Experimentation on First Person DONE. I keep messing up the tense (I'm also bad at finding where I messed up the tense but I know it's there...) and it's much harder to get out all of the things in my head that I want to happen. I may need to switch over to my normal formatting if you guys don't mind. I've been trying to avoid it but damn. If you want faster updates it has to happen._

_I already had most of this chapter done-Let's make a deal...If you want a chapter. POKE ME! I'm serious send me PM's I don't know! I have this awful habit of not posting stuff that's ALREADY DONE (minus a few added paragraphs). If you're still here, great. If not, sorry. I'm horrible I know.  
_

_Eto...As always review, critique, or drop me a line via PM. I try my best to respond and it's always fun to talk! _

_**ALSO! Different from all other times...Go to my profile and, if you read my other stories, vote on which one you'd like to see updated next. I'm hoping that will motivate me to go faster or something with updates.**_


	6. Chapter 6

**Nope No Owning Ouran. Dat down dere though. Dat's mine.**

**Oh, and before I get blasted. TWO SENTENCES with VERY VAGUE SPOILERS of two scenes in manga volumes 11/12? Hell it's so vague I guarantee you'll probably not notice.**

**Happy New Year~  
**

* * *

"That play was better this year than last year. Hikaru would have liked it," I nibble at a fluffy sweet treat in my hand, Cotton Candy Haruhi called it. It tastes like pure sugar and that should have disgusted me, but it's too addicting to put down.

Haruhi had been reluctant to let me even go near it for some reason, and when I finally pulled away to buy it she groaned. It had been a losing fight from the beginning, and she must have realized this because she'd made no other comment but to say she was leaving to buy a drink. I'd heard her mumble something else about sugar and hyper kids but the cavity-inducing sweet was beginning to make my mind buzz. I'd paid more attention to the flashing lights of the play and blurting out comments.

"You two just like it because it's low quality and you can make fun of it," Haruhi mutters with a roll of her eyes.

"No, no! It's not like that, really," I wave my hand with a laugh. "It is fun to laugh at it for that reason, but last year we tried to pretend we were commoner kids that actually believed everything on the stage was real."

"Is that why you two were so entertained by this place last year?" It was as if a light bulb had gone off in her head.

I shake my head. "We'll be late to the dance tonight if we keep delaying."

"It was your idea to stop and watch…"

"But how could I resist? Between looking at the mass produced clothes and cheap foods, I can't help but to stop and stare. What goes through the mind of a commoner when they buy these things?"

"You don't have to be so rude," she huffed. Instead of going to search she divert us to a bench. "At least let me sit for a while and finish my drink."

Haruhi let out a comfortable sigh beside me and I watch as she blows lightly on her cocoa. She seemed to be focused on the milky drink, but something told me her mind was concentrating on much more than just that. Her eyes bore into the ground directly in front of her in a far away daze. There was always something more on Haruhi's mind than what she lead me to believe.

"It's nice that things are finally starting to slow down, isn't it?" She starts, her voice wispy with emotion. "Everything is starting to feel almost normal again."

My mind went blank at those words.

Normal?

"H-Haruhi…" My voice comes out shaky, and I could feel my body tremble.

I was reminded of how I would feel whenever Hikaru and I would run into our parent's bedroom after a nightmare, scared and helpless. Except this was mid-afternoon, and at a commoners mall there was nothing to be scared of, not unless you count the amazingly low prices. Still, I found my gaze becoming unfocused, and my breath coming in short pants that only grew worse. It was suddenly difficult to perform such a basic action of just sucking in air.

"Is it bad…that I'm having fun without Hikaru?" I look up at her, the cotton candy in my hand long forgotten. I stare at her, but her face is nothing but a blur. Haruhi's innocent words and my harsh breaths were echoing too loudly in my head to concentrate.

Things weren't back to normal, they couldn't be, they never will. Hikaru isn't here. So then why, when we were exploring the festival, had I felt at peace? It felt so good to think only about how much fun parents and their kids were having, and I couldn't help but laugh at the play's stupidity. I hadn't even thought about Hikaru except to vaguely compliment the train wreck of a play.

Haruhi gives me a gentle smile, and rests a hand on my shoulder. It was calming, but her next words were enough to throw me into a panic. "Of course it's okay, Kaoru. I don't think Hikaru could ever blame you for moving on."

"Moving on?" I repeat, my voice rising. I can feel extra eyes turn to stare at me. Now, it's not only Haruhi watching my slow, steady decline, but the commoners as well. My body shakes harder, and Haruhi's grip on me tightens. "But…I…I'm not…I can't…"

Moving on, meant forgetting, right? Moving on, meant accepting that Hikaru would no longer be a part of my life. I can't do that… I can't just forget him. I can't just go on like I never had a brother.

"Kaoru?" Haruhi asks as I drop the sweet treat to the ground, choosing to abandon it and run both hands through my hair. I don't know how long it I sat like that, staring at the ground, not moving, but when I finally look up Haruhi was gazing upon me with concerned eyes. She was mouthing something. Once the panicked thrum of my heart quiet slightly I could finally make out her words. "Breathe, Kaoru. You're giving yourself a panic attack. You need to try to calm down."

"Panic?" I gasp. She nods quickly, and repeats her soothing words of encouragement. "Breathe, just breathe. Please try to calm down." Try to calm down? Impossible.

"You're breathing better now, that's a good sign," Haruhi spoke again. Her small hand rubs gently at my back, and surprisingly enough held the effect she wanted. I was calmer, but my body still shook from the realization.

"Let's go find the next tape, Kaoru."

I nod, and we both stand. Haruhi stood closer to me than normal, her knees were slightly bent, and she put her hands out as if she were trying to keep me steady. I couldn't help but let out a small chuckle.

"Haruhi, if I were to faint, which I'm not," I quickly add, "I don't think someone as small as you would be able to catch me. We would both end up getting hurt."

A small blush erupts on her face, and her gaze falls to the ground. I ruffle her hair gently. "Thank you anyway."

"I wasn't sure. You looked unsteady, I didn't want to let you fall." She grumbles, before adding something else underneath her breath. "Besides, I could've caught you."

I shake my head, and wrap my arms around her. She gave a grunt at the sudden weight on top of her head as I lean mine on hers. "You're so cute sometimes, Haruhi. That's why you're second to Hikaru on people who make my day. But," I smile despite the new wound Haruhi had created just when I thought things were getting better. "You're also second on my list of people who say the wrong thing at the wrong time." Haruhi rolls her eyes and, tugging roughly on my hand, leads us away from the bench until I take over as lead.

Now made up for the time I hadn't been thinking of Hikaru. I was flooded with trace memories of the carnival last year. One of the food stands we had made fun of, my mind point out as we passed by. The trash can Hani puked in from eating too many snacks...even though he was warned. I stop and let my hand go limp in Haruhi's.

"I'll be back." I can feel her eyes watching my back as I speed to the stand before me. I stop in front of a tub of water filled with small multicolored bouncy balls and a paper paddle.

"Kid, stop staring," I look up. A gruff man had his gaze fixed on me, arms folded across his chest, and a threatening stance that looked like he'd had to deal with one too many bratty kids. "If you want to play you either pay or get your face out of my tank. It's-"

His voice fades out once I threw out a portion of the money in my wallet. Satisfied that there was no more of his complaining I grab one of the paper paddles. Last year Hikaru got eleven. If I could get twelve...

"Ah."

My heart jolts and I nearly tip over into the tank. Luckily a hand caught, and yanked the shirt back. Although maybe I shouldn't have described that as lucky...The fabric of my shirt cuts into my throat, forcing me to grasp my throat. Painful coughs wrack my body, causing me to heave as I tried to regain my lost air.

"Haruhi..." I croak with a pointed glare.

"Sorry, I wasn't expecting you to react like that," she lay her hand on my back and watched me until my coughing grew quieter. "Are you okay? Do you need water?"

"I'll be fine as long as you don't try to choke me again."

She huffs, "I'm sorry. I didn't think you would lose your balance."

For some reason I couldn't even argue with such an answer. That was so...her. Maybe I should make another list for her to be on: People who have the potential to accidentally cause my death. Haruhi Fujioka, first place. Tamaki Suoh, second, and if you I ever got Hani-sempai mad then he would be third. I could picture him crying over my body directly afterward, and then he would probably mourn with strawberry cake.

"I was just trying to say that I remember you two playing this game. Hikaru won, didn't he?" She asks tapping a finger to her chin in thought. I cross my arms across my chest, almost mimicking that old irritable man who owned the game, and tap my foot. "He got eleven I think, and you got-"

"That doesn't matter," I cut her off with haste. I could feel my ears burn at the not so great part of my memory of this game.

"Three," she finishes. I hiss in pain. "It's not that bad. It was your first try."

"Hikaru's, too," I mumble. "I'm going to get twelve this time."

Haruhi frowns. "Haruhi...you don't believe me," I whine.

"What makes you think that?"

"The look on your face."

"Don't be ridiculous, Kaoru! Whatever look I'm giving you doesn't automatically mean I don't believe you." She turns away to grumble. "Geez, why do I put up with you guys. This entire club..."

"It's because we make your boring life fun," I joke as I turn to finally concentrate on the game.

"Fun? You guys have a skewed view of fun," she retorts. "And sometimes the way you guys think-You're never going get any if you dive in like that, the paper will get wet faster and then tear."

I scoop the tool in again, this time trying not to 'dive in.' This grants me two balls, but before I can even get them to my bucket they slip off and slide back into the water. Haruhi sighs beside me. The next time I go to scoop the paddle breaks before the ball can even be lifted.

"Haruhi..." I whine. "Why is this so hard?"

"It's not. Five year old children can get more than you, and surprisingly Hikaru," she pauses, waiting for my reaction. When I make no comment or movement to stop her she continues. "He had more patience than you, that's why you're not getting any. I was expecting that from you, not him."

"He liked the games here more than me."

"Just keep trying, you'll get it eventually. You don't have to like this game to get better at it, but it does help."

But I didn't get better at it, I ended the game with a score worse than last time. Only two, and Haruhi had to help me get one.

"We should probably head to the merry-go-round before it closes," I grumble. Scratching my head I look around. Everything that was here last year had moved. Almost nothing was in the place I remembered. It wasn't until I heard a familiar tune that I stood straight. "It's over here, Haruhi!" I point.

My legs are moving faster than my brain and I barely had time to slow myself down before I ran into the ride's protective gate. Gripping the bars tightly my eyes scan the animals on the ride. With each that passed empty mouthed my mood sank.

"Kaoru, the festival's only been in town a few days. He couldn't have put it on the ride."

Haruhi had a good point, but if not the ride then where? I close my eyes and try to think. It would have to be in a permanent spot, but a spot that had a memory for both of us. Where had we gone around this ride? I suck in a sharp breath and turn around so fast the world seems to swim for a moment.

The clue was just to get me to this place, it had nothing to do with the memory. Glancing to my side I see Haruhi hide a small smile with a poorly faked cough.

So, I am on the right track. We'd already been to the area it was at but I was so transfixed with the game I hadn't noticed. In just a few minutes I'm back at the stand, and nudging small children away so that I can get a full view it's surroundings.

Nothing, but I swear I can feel someone staring at me, probably some angered commoner parents and their children.

It's not here, but it had to be. This is the only other place besides the play that Hikaru and I really enjoyed about this place. My shoulder's slump. I should have known better, nothing about this stand is permanent.

"Kid," the man in charge of the stand calls. "Are you going to play again or what?"

He frowns when I shake my head. I look over to Haruhi but this time she looks away and wanders toward another stand. I guess I wouldn't be getting any hints from her body language then. Crossing my arms in front of my chest I glare at the game. It's here. Haruhi wouldn't have smiled, almost everything that girl does meant something. She hid her emotions so horribly anyone could read her.

I sigh and look up at the man. For some reason he keeps glancing over at me. Was he doing that earlier too? Maybe not, it seemed more like he was trying to chase me away if anything. Now that I was watching him though my body itched with unease. His face looked familiar...maybe? I lean forward slightly to get a better view of him before he turns.

I know him!

My heart beats so fast I sway on my feet.

I know him! He works at our school!

He's one of the janitors. Since Ouran is so large janitors are assigned areas to clean, and this man has the club on his list. Hikaru and I saw him nearly every time club lasted longer than usual and sometimes in the hall during lunch.

The stand isn't permanent but this man is. I grin as a giddy excitement floods through me.

"Sir," I call. He turns to face me. "You work at Ouran High School, right? Have you spoken to someone who looks like me before?"

The man smiles slowly. "And I thought you weren't going to figure it out. Today's the last day of the festival too, you got lucky." Scratching his stubble in thought, the man wandered away and bent down to rummage through what looked like a bag. When he reappeared his smile was gone. He held out the tape. "I'm sorry. He seemed like a good kid, an annoying pest too though. He must've tracked my duty route. Every time the bell rang for lunch he would find me somehow."

Not him, Hikaru wouldn't have that patience. It was probably the information hub known as Kyouya Ohtori.

"Thank you," I whisper as I take the tape. I give him a small bow and then go to find Haruhi.

Hikaru had been disappearing during lunch back then, and he always had an excuse. I had just thought he was developing an overactive bladder, but now it made sense that there was more to it than that.

"You got it," Haruhi noted. "Good, it's the last day and they were going to shut down soon."

I can feel myself nod but my mind is elsewhere. My eyes are fixed on the tape in my hand. The moment we passed by the bench Haruhi and I sat at my mind revisit our conversation. Forgetting Hikaru and relying on memories, that's what life would be like after these tapes finished. Then after that there would be the adapting stage where I learn to pretend I never had a twin.

"Is it really okay?" I murmur.

"What?" she asks.

"That I'm forgetting him."

"He was important to you. It's going to take a lot to make you forget Hikaru."

"Your mom was important to you and you're forgetting things aren't you?"

"Kaoru, I was young. It's different for you since you're old enough to process memories better. You may forget some things but the memories that you have an emotional connection to aren't going anywhere." Haruhi pauses and taps a finger against her chin as she looks down. "Like how I won't forget when my mom taught me my first recipe."

Like the morning I woke up to get a speech from Hikaru after he had dyed his hair, or when I found him at Mori's after our fight.

"Thank you," I whisper, Haruhi nods in response.

I shift awkwardly under her gaze and ruffle my hair. I guess it was stupid to think that Hikaru would be pushed from my mind that fast. There were still so many things I could remember about him, especially since he'd been by my side all my life. The words, 'moving on' still didn't settle with my stomach though. Just thinking of it makes my stomach churn. There had to be a better word.

Adapting. I'm adapting to a life without Hikaru. Even those leave me with a queasy stomach but at least with this I'm not close to displaying what I'd eaten. I need to find something better...

"I'll drop you off at home, Haruhi. Thank you for coming with me. I bet this was a bit of a hassle for you."

Haruhi waves her hand. "I wanted to do this, Kaoru. If it was a hassle I would have stayed behind."

"Still, thank you," I smile. "You did a lot more for me than you had to." Humming to myself, I look down at the tape in my hands. Even though Haruhi had caused so much damage to my psyche in one day, I don't feel as awful as I thought I would. It feels good, like the relief of finishing a major project the night before it's due, but better than that even. "Maybe I'll sleep in our room tonight."

"You haven't been?" Haruhi asks.

I shake my head and look up to meet her eyes. "Not without him there. It feels empty and it's too quiet."

Actually, for the past week I had been trying to teach myself to sleep in our room again. I only got a few hours of sleep in before having to transfer to the bed across the hall. I hate what our room has become without both of us in it, but I love it for all the memories. What scares me the most is that I'll contaminate it if I'm in it too long. Hikaru's scent can only last for a while before it disappears and mine takes over. Then what would I have?

"Maybe I won't," I sigh and stuff the tape in my pocket. "Let's go." Haruhi nods and follows behind me to the car. She's so short she has to run to keep up with my new pace. I only want to go home, listen to this tape and then...I curse. The dance is tonight.

"Kaoru?"

"Hmm?" I answer. She seems taken back and doesn't respond. "I'm not mad at you, Haruhi. It's something else."

"I know. I was going to give you time to think instead of bothering you."

"I'm fine. Just say what you need to say," I snap, turning my head to find the girl that _now_ was irritating me.

Haruhi sighs and just when I think she's finally given up, she speaks. "You should sleep in your old room."

"Is that all you wanted to say?" Honestly she had to have a one track mind. That subject was over the minute we'd started walking, but to her apparently not. She was giving me a look that told me she really was serious about bringing that subject back. "Haruhi, I'll do it later, but not now."

"Kaoru, if you keep saying that you never will."

My fingers curl into fists and my body tightens into one large knot. Stop talking, just stop. I can't handle another one of these conversations in one day. Why did she insist on pushing me? Why is she still talking?

I spin, and grab her shoulders. "Haruhi," my voice is low and steady, but I can already feel my patience thinning. My grip on her shoulders tighten. "What makes you think you can go around saying whatever you want to people? If I couldn't handle you telling me that I was 'moving on' why would I respond well to being pushed into sleeping somewhere I don't want to?" Haruhi's eyes widen as my voice gradually raises. She winces but I can't fathom why, maybe she's finally starting to understand her mistake.

"I'm _not_ sleeping in that room. I'm _not_ moving on, and I don't need you telling me what I should be doing. This isn't your mother who died, Haruhi. This is my _twin_!" I scream, granting me a jump from the girl under my hands. "Do you remember what you said earlier? You were too young but I'm not. I can't forget Hikaru, so unlike you I can't just throw him aside and pretend everything is okay!"

"Kaoru, you're hurting my shoulder's," she whispers, her voice shaking slightly.

I retract my hands quickly and bend my fingers. There's a dull ache. "Haruhi...I'm sorry. I-"

"You've made your point. I shouldn't push you. It's obviously too soon."

Her face is fixed, serious and unmoving from my outburst despite the obvious pain I'd inflicted. That mask is the only thing that tries to hide her fear. Her body is trembling so badly I'm afraid this time I'M going to have to catch HER if she faints.

"Haruhi, I was just-This is just a lot in one day and-"

"I have to get ready for the dance tonight. Please take me home."

She didn't talk to me the ride home, nor when we got to her house. There was a quick 'thank you' to the driver, but for me only a passing glance.

I had the tape now at least. I slide it in and press play before laying back in my seat. The ride home would be short, but I could at least listen to some of it.

_The commoner's carnival. At least I think it's a carnival...we've never really gone to things like that before until Haruhi came around. I was really looking forward to seeing the play but I guess I can't go now._

I stop breathing. Did he know? Had he foreseen something was going to go wrong?

_I don't want you pestering me for hints if you see me, but maybe I'll go anyway. I want to beat you at that game again. You were so terrible last year! Maybe next year I'll teach you my trick. The game's really easy if you know how to cheat a little._

I breathe again. He wasn't psychic after all, but now I'm upset for a different reason. The bastard had cheated? No wonder he won by so much.

_We should thank Tono one day for making us do things like that. You should, not me, I'd probably end up making a fool of myself. I can only ever talk to you like this, Kaoru. No one else has as much patience with me as much as you._

_Oh! Let's not tell Tono until after he graduates. The last thing we need is him gushing about how his devil sons have become angels or something stupid like that._

_Sappy talk aside, I think we should have another game within a game!_

"NO! No, Hikaru, no. I refuse! I am not going along with that this time!"

_No choice! I know you probably won't like this but it'll be fun for me! At the dance in a few weeks I want you to-_

* * *

**_Holy Shit I updated this twice in one month? I didn't leave it for another year before posting a chapter! I surprise myself, but you guys did vote and this is what was chosen._**

**_See a reason to vote. I actually do listen~  
_**

**_The poll will be refreshed and NAtD will no longer be on the list until the next poll after that though. I can't do a fic twice in a row or I'll get bored. This chapter was damn hard. I wanted to kick infants (none were harmed in the writing of this chapter)._**

_**As always, drop me a line via PM or review! They help me get my idea engine running. Honestly, lately you guys have reviews that make me go 'OMG IDEA!' So keep em comin'~ Until next time...Three Dog out!**  
_


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